Two Dads are Better than None

This is what John Kerry SHOULD HAVE said in his Concession speech.

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spokenwith a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the Americanpeople. Though the people disagree with the President on almost everyissue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That'sreally special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it todescribe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways toinjure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kindof special.I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerfulstuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulatethe President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments onthe ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was justgenius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls.The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moralvalues" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. Thefolks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war,or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election wouldbelong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.[Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmatesdying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future beingmortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managedto sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aginghomophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact sameanemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the timefor healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a littlestory. Last night, I watched the returns come in with family andfriends. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriouslyabout secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning wasthis: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth inthis country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receivethe majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked byforeign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight awar in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment thatyou consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states showopen disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are theactual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red statecivilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!?Bring it on!"More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein hadsomething to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Yoursons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, thepeople in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it'snot true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe thiseasy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me saythat I really envy that luxury. I concede that.Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people whosubsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful termsabout the heartland of America while that heartland insults andexcoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. Andyou refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moralvalues. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't needto share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need toprovide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield ofpointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who arewilling to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning avote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," Isuppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours.And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.And I make this pledge to you today: Next time, there will be nopandering. We will run with all the open and joking contempt for ouropponents that the President demonstrated towards the cradle ofliberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the"white-wine sippers." We will not pretend that the simple folk ofAmerica know just as much as the people who devote their lives toserving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.So that's why we're asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talkingto you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbreddrones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially dupedgrade-school grads. We know better, and I truly believe that we canhelp your smug, sorry asses. And may God, if he does in fact exist,bless each and every one of you.