Two Dads are Better than None

The adventures of two very adorable gay men trying to become fathers in a crazy ass world

Tonight I stood on top of a hotel in Shizuoka Japan and looked at the
stars and made a few prayers in the direction of a cross next to a
wedding chapel. I wish that I could say we have a baby on the way, but
unfortunately that is not the case yet. It has been more than two
months since I put anything up here. Two long and emotional months to
say the least. I hope it is, as they say, darkest before the brightest
light of day. We could totally use some light.

Back in August we made our 2nd attempt with our surrogate. Our first
failed but we pressed on. We had heard about other couples giving up
on surrogacy because they just could not handle the emotional roller
coaster of it all. At the time I wondered why they gave up, now I
completely understand. Perhaps that is why I have not put many
thoughts about this personal journey up here. Going through this makes
you feel raw, vulnerable and alone at times. In August we attempted
again and within a week of my 40th birthday we learned that we were
pregnant. Those few days were some of the happiest I remember in a
long time. We knew that a positive home pregnancy test meant that we
were far from out of the woods. We had bought an expensive bottle of
wine months ago that we were saving to open once we learned of the
positive pregnancy. The past few months I could not wait to open that
bottle of wine. A few days after we attempted we got a call from our
surrogate. As soon as I heard the tone in her voice, I could barely
contain myself. She had called to tell us that she was pregnant and
that we were going to be fathers. I was so overcome with emotion that
I could not even speak to her so I handed the phone to Greg and wept
with joy. It was truly one of the happiest moments in my life.

We were cautious who we told this to; only immediate family. And for
days all we thought or talked about was how excited we were, what the
next nine months would be like, etc. That was on August 25th, two days
after my 40th birthday. Things had been hectic at work as well. I had
finally closed a deal for my company doing some work back in Japan.
Since I speak Japanese I had found some software project management
work that would require me to be in Japan for a few months. Greg was
not happy about me being away for such a long time, but he knew that I
had to do what I had to do. I was relatively excited to go back since
I had not been to Japan for years and I like the language, culture and
food a lot. I feel a special closeness to Japan and Japanese people to
tell the truth. So I had planned and booked a flight to Tokyo on Sept.
7th that would have me there working for a couple of months. After the
great news of our pregnancy, I only thought of the travel and how when
I got back we would be that much closer to being dads. We had a nice
family dinner the night before I left and as I tried to fall asleep I
had so many thoughts bouncing through my head.

Then we got a text. It was about 11pm and I had to get up in few hours
and leave for Tokyo. As I fumbled towards the night stand and read the
text, I wanted to believe it was all just a bad dream, but I was awake
and the words were there in front of me. In spite of the positive
pregnancy results and the few weeks that I had passed, our surrogate
had texted us to say that unfortunately she got her period and it was
just a chemical pregnancy. And just like that, it was over and I felt
devastated. Greg was too once he found out, but I took it especially
hard. As I tried to sleep on the 14 hour business class trip to Tokyo,
when the cabin was dark and the business class seats around me were
fully declined, I cried for awhile. This was not how it was suppose to
happen. Our poor surrogate was heart broken to have to deliver this
news to us. I felt like the floor had fallen out from under us. After
years of planning, talking, tons of money, lawyers, tests, jumping
through adoption hoops, failed adoptions, failed surrogacies,
attempts, plane tickets, coordinating, diet, exercise, coordination
and a ton of emotions, we were no closer to having a family. Life only
gives us as much as we can handle I guess, and I was at the end.

The next day I was busy acclimating back to Japan, trying to forget
our bad luck and oddly enough I was thankful that I was away from it
all, away from my partner, family and surroundings so I could forget
about it, lick my wounds and try to press on. The past few months I
also connected with an old friend I knew from back in Japan who lives
in Seattle. He and his partner had just had a baby girl via surrogacy.
We had also befriended a very nice gay couple who had just had a baby
via surrogacy too. Their words have helped. Sometime it feels like you
are the only person in the world doing this. Sometime it feels like
God has a bad sense of humor I guess, because this felt like a sick
joke.

I am writing this from my hotel room in Japan. Being here has been fun
I guess, but a distraction and way to get away from my feelings about
this. In a bit over a week I will go back home and we will try again
soon I hope. I don't know how couples (straight or gay) can keep
trying for so long. Since there are no ovaries in our house, it takes
a lot more time, money and coordinating to even get to try. Such is
life.

I am trying to remain hopeful, through all the shitty adoption
agencies, lawyers mess we must fumble through to have a family. The
hardest things can be easy sometimes (love, job, house, health,
security) and the easiest things for some can be hard for some
(marriage, starting a family).

As I stood on the roof looking at the mountains and stars tonight and
really just wished for one thing and you probably know what that is. I
miss Greg and if anything this long absence has made me realize how
much I love and miss him. But the break has also renewed my strength
in how much I want to have a family. I know life is unfair. I know
that people do not think I should be able to marry the man I love or
that some hateful Christian might say that the failed pregnancy was
just god's way of saying that gay couples should not have a baby. I
don't believe that. I only want the same things everyone else wants
and I will NOT give up until I have them. I do not care of it takes
the rest of my life, but I WILL finally reach my dream of the two
things that everyone else takes for granted; married with children.
That is all that I want. All the other stuff is gravy.

I am writing these personal thoughts here so that I can look back on
them some day and remind myself of how painful and hard those two
things were to achieve and how I will never take them for granted. God
bless us, and please hurry :-).

1 comments:

Anonymous said... 8:01 AM  

I am a 'grammy via surrogacy' ... my new grandson was born in June because of a wonderful woman who carried him for us.

Your blog brought tears to my eyes this morning. Know that there are many many "Christians" who understand that it's all about Love and only Love. I pray for the day that your dreams will be realized.

About this blog

We are a committed gay couple of almost 10 years who are trying to start a family of our own. This is our story.

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